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Posted By Macks Mission

Some people say we have it made because we won the law suit against the YMCA and received quite a bit of money for Mackenzie's care.  They should know that money is solely for the purpose of providing Mackenzie with the things that she needs to live a comfortable life.  In addition, that money in no way replaces the companionship of my child. 

Would you trade a beloved child for a trip somewhere you have never been, or any sum of money?  Not me -I would give everything I am and everything I have, to make her whole again- to hear her speak to me, to have her return a hug, to enjoy her personality.  Don't get me wrong, I still love her with all my heart, but at the same time, I miss her immensely. 

I cherish the rare smile, and the even more rare laugh not only because it reminds of the child she had been, but also because, for a moment, I know that she is happy. 

People have told me that I could never understand the loss of a child.  Maybe they are right.  But they will never understand the pain of looking into the eyes of a child you once knew, day after day on end, and seeing no recognition in return.  She rarely even makes eye contact.  It is true that my daughter did not physically die, but is it also true that I don't understand the loss of a child?  I grieve the loss every moment of every day when I look into her eyes.

My day is filled with caring for her every need.  She is, essentially, a 90-pound infant.  She is non-communicative, although she cries (very loudly I might add) when she is hurt, tired, or hungry.  I dress her and I diaper her.  She is spoon fed ,or tube fed, every meal.  Showering her is a struggle.  I comfort her during each of her many seizures.  I  fight to push her wheelchair through the snow.  I take her to her many doctor appointments and therapy sessions.  My husband and I purchased a van with a ramp and built an accessible home.  I advocate her rights, and needs, with the school district, insurance, and health officials.  Everything I do, I do very little acknowledgement that she evens knows who I am. 

lake  She is my child, I love her and I will see her through this for as long as I am able, and I worry about her future when I am no longer able to care for her.


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